How to make room for refugees

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How to make room for refugees


It’s amazing what excuses people make so they don’t have to help refugees.

For example, people say that Britain doesn’t have enough money to help. But last year, the House of Lords (who we don’t vote for) spent $385,000 (of tax money) on champagne. That’s enough for five bottles for each Lord! Let’s spend this money on food for people who need it. And we could turn the wine cellar in Parliament into houses for refugees.

Another excuse: someone on the internet said that they can’t be real refugees if they have enough money for smartphones. But they have no homes so they can’t use landlines. And there’s no international law that if ISIS invade your country, you have to change your new smartphone for a Nokia 3210.

But the best excuse is this: ‘Britain is full! There’s no room left!’

People who say their country is full never have a problem with people having babies? If there’s no room for foreigners, surely there’s also no room for children?

And Britain is not full at all. There are 700,000 empty homes. And many empty shops, empty offices, and a big empty space of nothing inside Prime Minister David Cameron’s heart.

Britain is not full. Maybe we have too much space. In Surrey, there’s more land for golf courses than houses. If we build houses on the golf courses, we could get three good things. It would give refugees a place to live. It would annoy people who like golf. And, most important of all, it would create a wonderful Crazy Golf course. We could add a real windmill and a couple of Stonehenges!

We have so much space in our country, and most other countries do too. But I do have one idea: let’s deport people who say their country is full. We don’t want you. Britain is full – of racists. Let’s get rid of them.

Chris Coltrane is a stand-up comedian and anti-austerity activist. Follow him on Twitter: @chris_coltrane


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